The Squirrel and His Boy
by psychoticbookgirl
Summary: Geddit? The Horse and His Boy! HAHAHAHA! Oh, PBG, you silly. For Another Artist's Contest, Challenge 1. Terrible and OOC, but oh-so-fun to write! Make of it what you will. I don't even know why I bother to put romance as a genre...


**Challenge #1  
The Things We Do For Love...**

INFO: Ian and Amy aren't on the path to love just yet. Way too many distractions are up. So Ian sets out to do things to gain Amy's love.

NEEDED:  
- A frog. I don't know why, but let's put a frog in this story : )  
- Ian doing at least ONE silly thing to gain Amy's love.  
- Amy shooting down Ian's "plan" ONCE.  
- Use of the quote "Such sad woe for my toe".  
- A thrift store. Haha, maybe they're buying a bag of Cheetos : )

NO-NOs:  
- You can't use the quote "I love you."  
- You can't let Amy stutter in this one… but maybe Ian can ;)  
- Amy cannot shoot down Ian's plans more than once.  
- Not all of Ian's plans can be silly.  
- No airplanes or jets… and no having a plane spell out in the sky some fluff stuff.

NOTE: Once you've read this, you will probably think, "What the heck? Is Ian on drugs? No. He's not. (Well, as far as I know, anyway.) This is entirely sarcastic and purposely OOC. Don't listen to a bit of it. Pretend Dan wrote it.

~*~~**~~*~

"You know what, I think I'm going to set out to do things that will gain Amy's love," Ian said one day.

"Um... who's Amy?" Natalie asked, examining her face in a hand mirror.

"Oh, only the girl who we left in a cave in Korea. To die. The one our mother nearly pushed into shark-infested waters."

"Well, obviously we don't like her very much. Why have you suddenly decided that you are going to gain her love?"

"Because... well.... I don't really know. It's like.... there is a voice in my head that is telling me things..."

"Good luck with that." She tilted the mirror to a different angle and began to murmur to herself. "Wow, Natalie, you are sooo fabulous. You are WAY prettier than Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum and all THOSE people..."

Ian stood up on a coffee table. "I WILL WIN HER HEART!" The table wobbled, but Ian held his stance. The table made an odd noise that sounded like someone cracking their knuckles.

"Careful! You might break the table." Natalie warned. 

"Thank you for your concern, dear sister." He stepped off the table and picked up a mop from the broom closet. He straddled it like he was riding a pony. "Come, valiant steed, we must ride into the sunset!"

"Wait, you forgot Excalibur." Natalie tossed him a lightsaber.

"Why, thank you." He galloped out of the room. "Huzzah!..."

"Well, that was normal..." Natalie said, then turned back to herself. "Oh Natalie, Helen of Troy would grovel at your feet. Can't you picture it now? 'Natalie, I am a disgrace to humanity! They thought I was pretty, but you are far superior! I am your loyal servant...'"

Ian trotted out of the house and got all the way down the driveway before realizing that he was still riding his mop. He noticed a gardener staring with an open mouth and threw the lightsaber and mop into some bushes. "Nothing to see here," the boy called shrewdly to the gardener. "Now get back to work." He turned to walk out of the driveway when he was distracted by a frog that had hopped in front of him. "Nice froggie..."

He was so busy examining this frog that he didn't notice a squirrel pop its head out of the bushes of which he'd chucked his steed. If he could understand squirrel, he would have heard a small, acorny voice saying, "Acorn? Acorn! Aaaacoooorrrnnn..." The squirrel spotted Ian's dark head. "ACORN!" The creature lunged for the boy's cranium.

"YE GADS! THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD! THERE IS A CHIPMUNK IN MY HAIR!! GAH!" screeched Ian.

"Excuse me, sir, but that isn't a chipmunk; it's a squirrel." the gardener noted.

"I DON'T BLOODY CARE IF IT IS A BELUGA WHALE! JUST GET IT OFF OF MY HEAD!" There was no need to do this, however, for the squirrel hopped off of Ian's noggin onto the ground in front of him. "Aw! He's so cute!" The boy picked him up and stroked his matted fur. "I think you'll help me get my Amy back." He skipped down the lane singing, with the squirrel twitching in his hands. Innocent bystanders were afraid to go near this boy in case they could catch his disease.

Amy sat in front of the television watching a stupid soap opera.

"But Damien, we could be together forever! Run away with me--" came a soprano voice from the TV.

"No, Millicent. You know that we will never be together." came a manly voice from the same source. Amy brushed some tears from her eyes. Poor Millie....

A knock came on the door. "I'll get it!" cried Dan from the next room. He scampered to the door. "What's u-- Ian? Uh... what?"

"Ian!? Dan, leave." Amy pushed Dan into the bathroom and locked the door from the outside. "What do you want, _Ian_?"

"I want to say I'm sorry for leaving you to die in a cave."

"Um, thanks, but I don't listen to FILTHY STINKING LIARS!!!"

"I'm not lying this time! I never was lying about the fact that I liked you, it was just necessary! And what do you think would happen if I hadn't left you in a cave? You'd want to stay in an alliance, but that wouldn't have worked, would it?"

"How do you know it wouldn't?"

"Have you _met_ my mother?"

"Look, Ian, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I am not going to forgive you."

"What can I do? I'll buy you anything you want; jewelry, a new house, a car, what do you want?!"

"Some Cheetos!" Dan's muffled voice came from the lavatory.

"What are Cheetos?" Ian asked.

"Orange carbohydrates," Amy answered. She was about to shut the door but Ian stopped it with his hand.

"Wait! Amy! I brought you a squirrel!" He pulled the creature out of his pocket. It appeared to have been sleeping, and it didn't look too happy that Ian had the poor manners to wake it up.

"A squirrel? Wha--" She saw the squirrel and didn't seem to enjoy the fact that it was frothing at the mouth. "IAN! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING! THAT THING LOOKS LIKE HAS RABIES! OH MY GAD!"

"Okay, okay, settle down! I'll throw him into the woods."

"The woods?! He'll give someone ELSE rabies! Obviously he's done something to you! You have to bring it to animal control. Here, put it in this box. Now, LEAVE." She handed him a shoebox and slammed the door in his face- right onto his shoe.

"Such sad woe for my toe," He cringed in pain as he pulled his foot out of the door. "Ow."

Ian stood on the doorstep woefully before turning and walking down the street. Maybe he should have left the squirrel at home.

****

As he passed a thrift store, Ian's brain spasm seemed to wear off. He plopped on a bench outside the store and thought about how stupid and demented his acts had been. He threw the box with the rabid squirrel on the ground and trudged into the thrift store. There, on the counter, he spied a shiny orange bag with a bespectacled cheetah imprinted on it. "Cheetos", it read._ That must be what Daniel was talking about,_ Ian thought._ How distasteful._ But he decided that he had nothing to lose, and bought the package.

Outside the store, he sat back down on the bench. Out of his range of periferal vision, Amy approached quietly. "Hi," she said. "Can I sit?"

"Sure." He moved over, allowing her to sit next to him with a good amount of room in between. "Want some?" He opened the bag of Cheetos and handed it to her.

"Yeah. Thanks." She looked at him. "Ian... I'm sorry for how I treated you at the house. I was just... surprised... and confused... and you weren't acting very sane. I realize now that I should have forgiven you, I mean, sane or not, you risked getting rabies just to bring me a squirrel, and that counts for something, right?"

"No, I was just being stupid. I'm not sure I was in my right mind this morning. Something wasn't right. But it is now, so all is forgiven and we may start over fresh."

"Yep." She smiled and took a Cheeto out of the bag.

At this point, the rabid squirrel felt rather annoyed at being cooped up in the little box. He gathered all his strength and jumped at the lid of the box, dislodging it. He peeped his head up and looked at the two on the bench. His tiny eyes locked on Ian, his kidnapper. He got ready to pounce, but instead he was scooped up by two big hands.

"OH MY GOODNESS! AMY, LOOK! A SQUIRREL! I CAUGHT A SQUIRREL! THIS IS SO COOL!" the boy cried. "Hey, Cheetos! Can I have one?"

And the squirrel sighed.

****

A/N:

Wow, that was bizarre. I am so messed up...

Well, I hope you liked my pointless and pathetic attempt at a story! Don't take it seriously!

Bye!

&PBG&


End file.
